When Being Polite Becomes Harmful

 

What if good manners could destroy you?

Most people think there are only three trauma responses: fight, flight or freeze. There is however a 'secret' fourth response, fawning.

Unlike fighting or running, fawning doesn’t look like fear at first glance. It is a more complex response to trauma and happens when a person tries to avoid harm by trying to appease their aggressor and comply with their wishes. It often looks like kindness, cooperation, patience, or empathy. But beneath that calm exterior lies something far more complicated: an ingrained belief that safety is earned through compliance.

Fawning is a form of people pleasing, and often involves the person putting the needs and wants of others first, often to their own detriment. They might appear overly compliant and will minimize their own needs to appease others. They struggle to set boundaries with people and have a hard time saying no. 

Fawning is fairly common actually and you yourself might have even done it before, maybe even without realizing it. Its a different situation when it becomes a go to response for almost all conflict. In these extreme fawning responses, the person who is fawning will be so concerned with how they are perceived and what would happen if they do not comply, that they experience extreme anxiety and fear. We see this response a lot in hostage situations, kidnappings, cults and domestic violence situations. 

Fawning often backfires because it tends to enable further abuse from perpetrators. Victims often suffer from emotional exhaustion, eventual loss of self and have an increased risk of mental health issues. In extreme cases, fawning may even lead to Stockholm syndrome. Women are also much more prone to participating in fawning than men are.

One of the most extreme cases of fawning and Stockholm Syndrome to me, is the case of Colleen Stan, or the girl in the box. Colleen was kidnapped in May of 1977, while hitchhiking her way to California to visit a friend. Instead, she had the misfortune of meeting Cameron and Janice Hooker, who offered her a ride. They would end up kidnapping her, and then keeping her locked in a wooden box underneath their bed for 7 years. 

Colleen soon learned that compliance was what would keep her safe. As often, when she didn’t, the torture would become more intense and violent. Over time, she learned that being nice and compliant to her abusers would mean longer breaks, more food and more time out of the box. Over time, she became so compliant and subdued that she eventually ended up even babysitting her captors children, cooking their meals and cleaning their house. At one point, she was even allowed to take a job outside of the home when the family ran into financial trouble. 

She wasn't doing this because she liked either of her captors, she did it to survive, which she did, before eventually escaping in 1984. What makes this case so interesting, is that she could have escaped much earlier. There were multiple opportunities to do so, but she had been so brainwashed by fear by that point, that it simply wasn’t mentally possible for her to do so. Later experts would explain that she had developed an extreme form of Stockholm Syndrome. 

Final thoughts 

The true horror of fawning is the one that hides behind the politeness, the compliance and its uneasy kindness. Some people might not even realise that they use fawning as a response in their daily lives. It is also inherently human, when threatened animals run, hide and fight, not many will willingly comply with their aggressors. 

As an inspiration my new short horror story Nice Girl explores the quiet horror of selflessness and what happens when kindness turns into something darker - 

A short exert:

‘Marie had always been a very considerate person. She was never too late, or too early. She always made sure to never take calls loudly in public. Kept her phone on silent in meetings and in the movies and never stood too close to others in the grocery store. Her shoes were sensible, her clothing always neat and her hair was always perfect. Some might call her overly conscious of herself or others, but Marie just called that the bare minimum.

Now, this sentiment and consideration towards others didn’t mean she got any of it back. In fact, it was often the opposite. Simple thank you’s were often forgotten and her work and effort usually went unnoticed or unappreciated. Though, she wasn’t one to complain. In a way she was proud of her ability to let go of it. She was someone who didn’t need constant praise or thanks to keep going. She did it, because it was often the ‘polite’ or ‘nice’ thing to do. Though, she would be lying if she said that she never craved some of her own kindness back.’

Read Nice Girl now on Amazon Kindle / Kindle Unlimited

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